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Personal
Testimonies
These are the words in a song by Jaci Velasquez. This song has really spoken to me in writing this testimony. Being a Christian does not mean that you have it all together, and it doesn't mean that you'll never experience pain. I learned that quickly growing up in the church. There is no doubt in my mind that what I have experienced weekly during Sunday school and other church activities have helped me building this spiritual foundation that I now have, but what I am lacking is the true realization and experiences of the principles. "God loves you" was what I heard ever since I could remember, but I had not really experienced it. When I think about it, I guess my childhood was not very pleasant. I argued with my parents all the time, I was constantly upset, depressed, and I was also exposed to the cruel lessons of life at school. A lot of kids go through that, and I'm not the only one. However, as I went to Jr High, I discovered a more deep, real, and sincere relationship with our Creator. Relating my experiences more to this song, God wants us to come as we are. I was and am sinful, deceiving and just about any other thing you can think of. But God came in and opened my heart to his grace and love. I have experienced his love first hand and this has reinforced my faith. There is I was always in denial about the things I was struggling with, never being real to myself and to everyone around me. But God wants us to put our struggles, our burdens on him and that is what I have learned to do. I could go on and name the millions of struggles, disappointments, that I went through up to the point of writing this testimony, but I don't think that you would want to hear that. So, in essence, I no longer want to be a two-faced Christian who talks the talk, but does not walk the walk. Recently, I went to a youth conference called DCLA that really reinforced my faith and taught me how to practically share what God has done for me. God loves you! Can you say that you've experienced his love? The next song that comes to my mind teaches about an attitude that I would like to constantly remind myself. It is called Blessed.
How have I been blessed? I have been blessed through the friends that I have, my parents, my youth group, and anything and everything, because it all comes from God.
What it
takes to believe Sophomore year of high school came rolling around and I had managed to attend church on an irregular basis, falling asleep during worship when I did go. That was the year that I should have spent grappling with my denial in the existence of God and organized religion. When I reflect back upon how that year went for me, I realize that it could have gone much smoother and more pleasant for me if I had had only a little faith. Due to the conflicts that I was having with my family and myself, I bottled up more emotions and feelings than I should have. On the outside I was a puppet that could pretend to be whomever it wanted. At school and in life I pretended to be the happy puppet. Rather than condemning God for throwing trials and tribulations at me, I should have realized that he uses life's challenges to bend us toward him, not to break us. However at the time all I could only think about was how unfair life was and how unjust it was for me to live in my fake happiness. I managed to push myself further away from the church that I attended. I was a stubborn girl. I had never believed in God and I never intended too. I had my mind set on not believing and after all, how could I believe in something that was not visible, audible, or credible? Tenth grade is not something I look back upon fondly, and for personal reasons I hated almost every minute of my existence at the time. I could find no solace and the stress was building up. I was just a "troublemaker" to my parents and nothing was ever good enough. While I continued to bring home A's on my report cards I could find no joy in the fact that I had accomplished anything. My emotions ran so deep that I managed to ruin my summer as well. I simply did not know where to look to for guidance. The internal conflicts tumbling around inside of me were tearing me up literally. In the meantime, I started to attend church more regularly. Every single Sunday for that matter. However, the only thing that I could see for me in the future was my inevitable move to Los Angeles, my birthplace and home to my mother. Ironically while I cried about not wanting to move, I started to make new friends at church. They even surprise kidnapped me for breakfast (I knew that they were going to kidnap me beforehand but it was still very cool). The guys even took me out to the movies to say good bye. I began to realize how I could be one of their friends; I didn't have to be an outsider after all. I began to realize how I wanted to be like them. I was truly jealous. All of my church friends were all optimistic and happy people. I didn't see why I couldn't be just like them. The only problem was that I was moving to Los Angeles soon and my Mom was not at all religious. My newfound interest in God and Christ were stupefying. I didn't understand where my desire to learn more about Christianity came from but wherever it came from it would probably not be fulfilled because I would be moving soon. During the summer I managed to move to Los Angeles and back in two days. Quick move right? I couldn't believe it. The unbelievable shock had to sink in, and after a couple days it did sink in. Only I wasn't thinking about the worldly reasons for my abrupt return. (Which were custody issues). I was thinking about the giant coincidence of my new budding interest, which was religion. Was God telling me something or was I just imagining it? What I do know is that because I got to stay here, I have gotten to know God and the church a lot better. I honestly could not tell if it was a fate determined by God or a silly coincidence that turned out for the better. Settling back into my usual routine I began to go to church again. Now that I was a lot chummier with my church friends I felt more comfortable going to church. I actually started to enjoy it. Junior year started and the Sundays came and went except that one Friday evening I decided to go to Fellowship. One of my friends from church had invited me to come and I figured I could give it a try. I had never gone before because I did not know what to expect. We played games and sang devotional songs, one of which still sticks out to me. While we were singing I started to get this quiet feeling inside of me. I felt all peaceful and I could not figure out why. Not until I started to concentrate on what I was singing did I realize that I was singing it and believing in it. I think that God really opened my heart that night because I started to believe that maybe He really was out their and that maybe He was showing me something. I think that was the first time I recognized that I believed in God. I had never recognized him in my life before and it was a shock to think that a person like me could possibly believe in God. I was so moved by that song that I almost cried while singing it. That is why "In a Secret," by Andy Park is one of my favorite songs to sing now. That was the song that gave me my first feeling of God's presence. On October 1 of this year, there was Communion during our worship service and not being allowed to partake in the elements (breaking of bread and wine) because I was not baptized, I used the time instead to pray. I remember the concentration and focus I was giving to that particular prayer because it was another first for me. I had never felt comfortable talking to God and that Sunday I just prayed my heart out. I remember exactly what I prayed for and later that day it came true. I will never forget that day because under the weirdest circumstances I ended up driving to Downtown San Jose with my friend Serena. At that point I didn't really know if I believed in God or not. However, after a while we began to talk about church and God and remarkably she started to answer my questions even before I asked them. She told me everything that I had asked God to tell me that very morning. Earlier that morning when I had been praying, I was praying that I could understand God more and realize what my other Christian friends experienced everyday. I wanted to be like them and I asked God to help me. And remarkably, I think he answered that prayer very clearly though Serena that afternoon. She explained so much to me that afternoon, I think my faith was cemented right then and there. Ever since then I have considered myself a Christian and a renewed person. I definitely feel as if I have been born again because of the different way I look at life. My opinions and attitude have seemed to change completely and now I plan to be baptized this Easter, something I never imagined myself doing. |
