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Personal
Testimonies
I had never thought of myself becoming a Christian until I was 16 years old. It was when my Dad had a heart attack and a stroke afterward. He was in a coma. I remember I was sitting there beside him, seeing his face looked as pale as a white sheet. I kept staring at the monitor, seeing the curves going up and down. I felt like I lost all the strength and faith. Then an old lady came up to me. She was a
Catholic. She told me about Jesus Christ and said that she'd pray for my Dad and he'd be fine. I didn't really believe her. However, I decided I'd try to believe. I told god that I'd believe if my Dad were to survive from this incident. The old lady came to visit my Dad the day after. She brought my mom and me a cross. She gave us a lot of comfort and faith. My Dad finally woke up two days later. My mom stayed with my Dad in the hospital for a week. Every hour, every minute, every second, she was with him. That's when we met auntie May Ju. Since my mom didn't speak a lot of English, auntie May Ju was helping to translate. She also introduced us to CCIC Mountain View. We met a lot nice people, and they prayed for us. My mom and I were touched by their warmness and appreciated them. We especially thanked auntie May Ju for her kindness and caring. My attitude started to change when I started to read the Bible and come to CCIC Mountain View regularly. I came to know Jesus Christ as a real person. I learned of him from Sunday school and worship. One day, I felt that he has been blessing me all the time. Although every time he came to me I walked away from him, yet he was still there for me. He gave me the strength and the faith to face my life. But somehow I still doubted. One day I received a letter from my mom, and she was telling me that my Dad's situation might got worse and it does not look positive. I was doing the dishes in the kitchen, and tears just burst out.
Auntie May asked me how's everything in Shanghai. I turned aside my face and said it was all fine. I finished the dishes and went straight to my room. All I could think of was to pray and pray more. I came to CCIC on Sunday. I sat among all the people, listened to the piano melody, I prayed and cried again. I kept praying for my dad for three weeks. My mom hasn't talked anything about my dad lately, either did I asked. God has always given me the message to have faith from everyday devotion. Once again, I decided I'd try to. With this uncertain faith, I asked my mom once I called home and she told me it was a panic. The doctor had a conference meeting and figure my Dad situation is caused by his stroke.
How I Abandoned God My story begins in my early years in Vietnam,
where the Chinese were considered second-rate citizens. Under the oppression
of the Communist regime, my parents (along with my brother and I) tried many
times to leave the country and just as many times, we ended up in jail for
our attempts. Then it happened, we were able to safely board a boat, no
bigger than a small fishing vessel, headed out to international waters.
After a week on the open waters, the engines failed and the boat started to
leak. As the ship drifted, waiting to sink, darkness fell. The adults made
torches (out of T-shirts soaked with gasoline and tied to sticks) and waved
them frantically in the dark. Against all odds, a cargo ship came to our aid
when they saw the light. The ships were unable to dock with one another for
fear that the small dilapidated vessel would be crushed, so the adults had
to jump across the small distance (4-5 feet) between vessels while the
children were thrown across to the other side. Not long after the smaller
boat was deserted, it fell apart and sank. We were safe; thus ended a
crucial chapter in my life. Coming from an “old-world” Chinese family, cultural and familial values revolved around Buddhism. According to the elders, the issues and struggles in life could be looked at from the viewpoint of Buddhism and also solved through it. For a brief period in my life, I wanted to believe. However, as I grew older, I realized that while Buddhism could suffice as a philosophical lifestyle, it is by no means the answer to my questions. I quickly grew skeptical about the possibility of life after death and turned to science for an answer. It seemed that atheism was the answer to my questions and I voraciously took in the new knowledge. My resolve to abandon religion grew stronger through my college years as I gained exposure to upper division biology and the writings of Nietzsche, Beckett, Dostoevsky, et al. However, not long afterwards, enlightenment turned into despair as biochemistry seemed too abstract to be real and the “God is dead” outlook in Nietzsche's writings felt stagnating. I saw and lived life without moral consequence, as I believed human nature to be dark and selfish. Amidst this state of depression, I picked up
a bible given to students on campus (as part of an outreach effort) and
haphazardly browsed through it. The Bible revealed a new truth. At the time,
someone special came into my life: a Christian. She was unselfish,
righteous, and caring. Our friendship showed me that human nature is not as
dark as I previously saw it to be. However touched I was, it was not enough
to convince me. My reluctance to accept God continued through the last two
years of my college career. Life has taken me through many twists and turns; I have become a different person because of it. I have changed through the years, as my life has been punctuated with periods of hope and futility. Before Him, I was depressed, thinking that life will cease to exist when my body fails. Before Him, I judged the people, things, and ideas I was exposed to. Before Him, I felt the absence of goodness in humans; instead, what prevailed was the opportunistic egocentrism of a Darwinian society. That has all since changed. He has renewed my outlook towards life. I have come to love my neighbor, even though I do not know him: “…since God loved us, we also ought to love one another…. no one has seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” (1 John 4:11-12) I have ceased to judge others as only He can judge: “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37) Most importantly, there is a sense of hope: the hope of a life with Him. I feel the hope that I imagined my parents might have felt that particular morning when we set out to sea, with clear skies above and open waters ahead. Perhaps that is the message that He has revealed to me: life is a journey, a chapter, if you will. When this chapter ends, another will begin for me and there will be a new story to be told.
I grew up in a Christian family. I regularly attended church every Sunday and was involved with other church activities, such as Youth Group and volunteering at VBS. At a young age, I learned the basics of Christianity. In Sunday school, teachers taught that we are all sinners, and the only way we could be saved was through Jesus because God sent him to die on the cross for our sins. If we believed that Jesus died for our sins and asked for forgiveness, we would have eternal life, too. All of this made sense to me. I never doubted God’s love for me and the salvation through Jesus. I understood what it meant to be a sinner because the teachers kept pointing out that we did bad things, such as disobeying our parents, and telling us that it was wrong and wasn’t pleasing to God. During the VBS of 1996, I decided to accept Jesus as my personal Savior. As I grew older, I still went to church and participated in church activities. On Sundays and Wednesdays, I focused on God while I was at church. After I was out of the building, I depended on myself. I didn’t think that I needed God because my life was pretty good. The only times I would pray were before a meal and before I go to bed. Routinely, when I was little, I’d thank God for the day he has blessed me with, pray that I won’t have nightmares and that a burglar will not break into my house, ask Him to help me to not be afraid of the dark, and ask him for a safe day tomorrow. Sometimes, I would pray for people that I knew who were sick or injured. However, my life was still mostly “me” dependent. I did not study God’s word or often turn to Him when I’m in need. Still, I knew that God loved me and cared for me. I just didn’t care about knowing God more. I didn’t bother to improve my relationship with God. As I mentioned before, I was afraid of nightmares, burglars, and the dark (probably from watching scary movies). I still prayed about it, and I gradually lost my fear. It was the first thing I actually noticed about how God does answer prayers. In my heart, I no longer had this tense fear that I was not safe. Another thing that God has helped me with was my intolerance. I can easily not like a person for the stupidest reasons, such as if they are better than me at something or if they have something I don’t. There was one person who I couldn’t stand being around. I prayed to God about it and asked him to help me learn to love this person. Again, I noticed the change in attitude I had towards her. I was more willing to be her friend, and I had fun being with her. Through all this, I have learned that even though I didn’t fully rely on God, He still answered my prayers and is there to listen to me. Through little steps, I realized that it is
important to rely on God because I cannot handle all my problems. Also, to
deepen my relationship with Him, I also have to make some effort. Before, I
was lazy and did not bother to read the Bible. Now, knowing how important it
is to maintain a strong relationship with God, I want to make that effort to
know God more and improve my neglected relationship with Him. I want God to
mold me into a more Godly person. I know that God will always be there for
me, and I can always turn to Him when I’m troubled. Now, I’m going to live
for God, and allow Him to guide me each step of the way. |
